Dear Child, Remember...

---I have contemplated the departure that is now in front of me in many ways. At first, I was quite indifferent to the prospect of leaving, for truly, it had not yet occurred to me that it would happen at all.

I had always been, or at least for quite some time, a hermit in my own way and thus seldom left the confines of what would be my “hobbit hole” for other than church, work, and perhaps a small errand or two. It was not that the desire within me lagged in regards to adventure and discovery, rather that I was not sure whether I could handle whatever was thrown at me, and that I would quake and tremble and come home ashamed and regretful.

It is strange indeed, for since I was but a child, my heart has longed for with such strength and longing, to see the world before me. I have always had a lustful, nay indescribable ache for England, Scotland, in all their glory and to finally live out the dreams of my fantasy, to walk the paths that so many of the greats and renowned have trod. Since first breath, I have wished beyond any other wish, to cross the sea to these lands, to sit myself in some small corner on a cobbled road and read, such stories that have influenced my desires. I have wished to find myself a cottage, a small white thing with a thatched roof and live such as the Bronte's, scribbling away with pen and ink to bring to life my thoughts in story form. I have wished to breathe in the wild, heather scented air of the moors and to rush gleefully down the meadows and the hills in joyous ecstasy and to sail the small lakes as a Swallow (Swallows and Amazons), searching to find an island of my own to lay claim to. I have wished to drink really good coffee in the buzz of the city, to admire the paintings that have hung on the walls and astounded the minds and eyes of the greats for centuries. I have wished all of this and more, and yet…..
Now, here today, I grow timid, cowering at the mere mention of my departure. There is no excitement for it, no urge to embrace the adventure that surely lies before me, it is a constant war to settle the rage of emotions I feel towards it. I am a romantic, not of the modern day sort, but one who waits and yearns for the unknown, revels in the mysterious, aches with the beauty of nature, and finds it hard to let of the comfortable fantasy I have built for myself......



---That was a week ago and I am amazed at how time flies. I sat down to write a small note, I have always been terrible at keeping it consistent when comes to my blog posts and it is one of the many reasons I quit writing in my last one. I have always struggled with insecurity, not comfortable to enjoy being in my own skin and so I felt intimated by all the blogs I was reading at the time and felt that I did not even come close to any of them, so I stopped. But I forgot one thing, why I began to write in the first place. I write not to please those that choose to read it, nor to meet the expectations of the world, I write because I need to, because I love it, because as Jane said, "you do it because you have to, because it gnaws away at your insides if you try to ignore it. Because if you don't write, you might as well be dead" (Not Another Happy Ending).

I have always held myself back, afraid to test the limits because of insecurity, because I fear that I will not do well enough or meet the expectations that the world seems to set for me. I have always feared to fall short of all I wish and hope to achieve, and so I have always waited, I have never leaped.

I am now leaping, head first with no looking back. I have come to realize that change doesn't come knocking at your door, it doesn't ask if you are ready to tackle something you have never done, it is you who must go to it. And I am not going alone, for a hand is always in mine leading me the right way, and though I might not see the end or I might not want what comes, I know that it is good for me, that it was planned long before my name was spoken.

I feel as if we are all traveling, whether we make it out the front door or not. We long for something that seems to be at the tip of our tongue. Some try to satisfy this hunger by traversing the globe, gaining experience and knowledge, some grow from it and some remain the same. Others dive into the adventures to be had at home with a book, either too scared or too comfortable to venture out.It is odd that we see the world so small, in black and white. Our tunnel vision and narrow mindedness cause us to be blind to the duality, the terrible beauty, the never ending scope of what is outside what we see. It is a strange world we live in and at last, I think I am ready to see it. So here it goes....

I am going to England... for six months! It is my Narnia moment, my turn to step through that Wardrobe and embrace what lies ahead, my turn to have adventures and not look back. I am living in a castle, it is surrounded by 170 acres, and close to the sea, there may be no magic rings or powerful kings and queens, but is it full of magic of a different kind, it is my enchanted castle. 

Dear Father,

I come to you with a tired, weary heart, and

fear I am unworthy to lift my voice

To talk to you of all I fear and hope.

I fear I am not strong enough to do

All that you have given me,

These paths confuse me and I despair

That I shall ever reach the goal you have prepared.

I fear I am not smart nor pretty enough to be loved

By anyone, least of all by you.

I cower at my reflection in the mirror, and dare 

To doubt the image I was created in.

I see only darkness ahead of me

And downwards do I bend my head,

I am weary of the fog that seems to surround me

And wish to lay down my head, to rest, 

Perhaps forever. I feel as if my life,

And all I have held and dreamed,

has melted from my fingertips as a stream

Of woes and fears and cries

Of anger and of need.

I fear the emotions that rage within me

And an anger that burns my soul,

I feel enveloped in a wave of sadness,

A melancholy that holds me close.

I am tired of running away from you,

To chase some other path--

I have angered at you, despaired at you

For not giving me what I want,

I have cried at you, shared my heart with you,

So Lord, please hear my prayer...

I know dear God, you have promised me

A life that holds all I need,

That you will never depart from me

Nor leave me in the dark to sleep.

I know dear God you watch over,

My tired weary head, so

Take my hand and hold me close forever, for

I know you hear my prayer.

Amen