Where I find Myself...

Where I find myself....all these years later, or months rather. I cannot believe that I am about to step off another of life's greatest adventures. I don't think I could ever have envisioned this year going the way it has and I am holding on to the knowledge that God has everything under control. 

It is true that perhaps my experience in England was not what I had desired. That perhaps I came back a little more worn and unhappy than I had been before. But there comes a time when one must feel uncomfortable for a little while, to be able to grow. In this case, I was slowly being prepared for my current departure, college.

I had never left my parent's house before unless it was to a friend's house or to school or work. Summer holidays were always taken together and I was never away very long anyway. So as much as every inch of me yearned with such longing for England and when I arrived I did feel such connection and love with and for my surroundings... I was still uncomfortable and felt completely out of place and completely unhappy. Uncomfortable in how I looked, how I was or might be perceived by others, how I spoke, how I thought, even how good of a Christian I was...I criticized every thought, every word spoke, everything that I loved I thought was bad or overdramatic or wrong. I loathed hanging out with people because I believed they were better than me or would judge me or even that I was not interesting enough to warrant their attention. But as I said before, there is a time to be uncomfortable for it is within this time that we grow the most- at least, that is what my Mum tells with conviction. And so for me, England was not that "ah ha" moment where I suddenly felt that there was where I belonged, but rather a displacement from where I had come from. Does that make any sense? 

Through my time there and for these months after, as much as I wish I would never leave my home, I know that it is time. I don't know where I am supposed to go exactly, but as my dear Mum reminds me, God will be there holding my hand through it all, anyway. 

Now I am going to be brutally honest for the moment. I have not completely allowed myself to believe all that I tell myself or am told by others. That being that I am a child of God, that He has a plan for my life and knows how much hurt or ache or fear I have, that He knows and He cares... Like many people, I struggle with releasing control and with such a debilitating habit of having very little love for myself, criticising every little thing about me until I am miserable. I have struggled with what you might call depression. The feeling as if there is point, the heaviness, the longing to feel something when all you feel numb. Now I find myself struggling more with such severe anxiety attacks and fear more than depression and I find it a blessing. For at least I feel and to feel is to know one is alive and blessed. Now I know this is a lot and perhaps overdramatic, but I do struggle, we all do. 

I do not know quite how to word what I wish to say so I will say this. God knows us, He knows me, and He loves me. 

I don't need to know everything or be happy all the time or confident or without fear or anxiety. I just need to know that "He Knows My Name. .I am loved" (Francesca Battistelli, He Knows My Name). 

What strange times we have come to witness and we, most certainly I, sometimes forget that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and walks with us each moment of the day. It is easy to make our fears or circumstances that greater idol, diminishing God's power in doubting He will save us. But we do not always see clearly and see that we sometimes need to be saved not from our circumstances, but from ourselves. I often look back to when I was a child and compare the "picture perfect" life I imagine I had to the now. What if I had done that instead? What if I was different? I am slowly, slowly being the keyword, learning to let go. Let go of controlling everything because honestly I can't and it is exhausting resisting. So I wish to pray this every day, some of the lyrics from one of my favourite songs. When I feel fear or anxiety or doubt that I cannot go on:

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

'Til I'm dancing in the deep

Peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can't see

I will trust the voice that speaks

(Peace Be Still, Hope Darst)

I feel so blessed to be where I am. For those of you who do not know I will be attending Gordon College this autumn and I could not be more thrilled or more terrified. I have so many dreams and I often fear that they will never come true. I often fear that I will be left out, alone, and disappointed with the choices that I have made. I want this space to be intimate, raw, and honest. I want to journal all that I experience in this upcoming journey. If anyone reads this I hope it will be an encouragement and if no one reads it but me I will be content. 

My dream is old walls & paved stone, a small apartment in some ancient city (Edinburgh, Oxford, some romantic French village, etc) with a view and the sun pouring through the windows. It's cups of hot tea with ink-covered fingers & a record player scratching away some 40's tune or something classical. Always typing away into the late afternoon, stories pouring off my tongue- writer. It's coffee dates with friends at whimsical cafes, elaborate swirls inside my latter cup & watching casually as the people walk by. It's the slow, small moments as the sun goes down & the birds slow their songs & the crickets start to dance...its all of these things and more.

This is my dream and God knows and I am just excited to see where He takes me next. Are you?